It's been two days since he suggested to be "on a break" or put "Our relationship on hold" I don't know what happened, we were fine. or at least I thought we were. Was it my fault? Was my actions that were responsible? I thought back to my last day of term and the bitches on my bus who told me that what we had was not love, I cried all the way home and two hours later refusing to tell anyone what had happened, even Shawn. I knew he was the only one who could make me smile, reassure me that what we were doing wasn't some crazy thing, if only I knew what I know now. So many times it ran through my head to ask him to reassure me, to ask "Is what were doing really sensible?" but now I am glad I did not ask as I fear the answer he would have given. I think about how close we were after that night when I first started writing this and I know that the way I felt was so close it was like a thread that pulled us tighter, together, like it was making the distance unimportant. Now I regret everything, I regret all my actions even if they were good. I don't know what to do, what to say, I am trying to tread carefully as I don't wanna do anything that might make the out-come of our relationship be that it will not work. I don't want it to go back to how it was, me just sitting, waiting for him to decide that actually it may work. I can not keep drifting back to these awful thoughts every few days untill we may be reunited.

I don't know what to write...I guess I could go on about random things in the world that I don't agree with or that I feel I need to voice my opinion on, but can't, that and don't want to. I have decided that instead i'm going to explain...

We met on World of Warcraft, an online role playing game. I was a dwarf priest and he was a hunter, that sounds like some enchanted fairy tale but when you hear about the twats in Stormwind city u soon learn it isn't. We were in the same guild and he had his best mate, nellas. A 16 year old girl. I then had to go away for a weekend and the guild fell apart and I stupidly blamed him. There was a big fight and that was over. I don't really remember what happened after that. I can remember when he said "i love you", I was questing in Netherstorm and he whispered me says "lyl" I don't do much msn talk so I just put back a few question marks and he would not tell me. I later found out what it was and me being me asked if he truly meant it, he said he would tell me when I had to go. He never did tell me, "If it is true I love you forever and if not your playing cruel games with my breaking heart" and signed off. We left it at that really, the next time we talked was the same as the others, Shawn seemed to get distant, he did not joke like he used to. I knew that he and his family were going through some problems so I just guessed it was that but when they got over it he still remained the same. I was on MSN with him and he told me what had happened. About how he loved Hannah and how he wanted her, almost forgeting about me. I wanted to ask if he still cared for me but I knew he was happy with Hannah and I was sort of happy for him. I mean I would of done anything to make him happy even if it meant I was not with him I would have done it.

Then we were talking late one night and he was crying, no matter what I said or did he still cried. I was so worried. He signed off without another word and I knew that he didn't want to talk about it, not right now. So I left it, melting my brain, eating away at me. When he signed in the next day I didn't know what to say. He later told me that Hannah and himself had broken up. I was sad for him and Hannah but I knew what he would do next, talk to me about "us". I wanted so badly to just admit everything, about how I loved him, how I was so hurt that he didn't think about me when he was going out with Hannah. I spoke carefully, not wanting to allow my heart to break again. He then asked me out and I agreed. That is where my story ends, well that chapter at least.

And now he signs off and I feel this emptiness overcome me. I don't know what else to say. My other contacts all seem boring compared to him. I don't want to talk 2 them, only Shawn. I know that I need to go soon but still I don't want to as I fear that if I o he will com back online hoping to talk to me and I will miss the chance to talk to him again :(

So here is my thingy 4 my birth sign

PISCES (The Partner for Life) Caring and kind. Smart. Centre of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but In a good way. Good Sense of Humour!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.
Everyone agrees with it :D all but me
(I have highlighted the ones that everyone says are true)
I am not popular and I would hate to be popular, I would rather burn my eyebrows

I am sooo confused, like so confused beyond my mind and I don't know what to do! I was looking through my leaving cards and I saw a note from a really good friend of mine, it said..."Don't go I love you with all my heart xxxxx (ect)" Then from one from his mates on another card I got "It is a shame your going cos he has finally realised he loves you". I don't know what to do. I mean there is no one I can talk to as My new mates won't understand and I can not talk to them about this, My old mates will talk to him and if he did not really mean it he will get freaked out and the only other person other then that is Shawn and "Hey babe, umm can you help me talk about this guy who says he loves me but i'm confused" won't go down all that well, even though I know Shawn is amazing and probably would I still don't want to but that in our relationship. Plus my mate knew I was going out with Shawn! I am still in contact with this friend and I don't know if I should talk to him about it as I don't really do the whole "I love you" speech well, after doing that nonsense twice with Shawn I really don't want to have to do it again. I think that tradition is important, I think that a male should ask the female out and if or when it comes to marriage the male again should ask the female. Even though Laz thinks that tradition is a load of bull, to me tradition keeps my heart hoping and my dreams not to wild.

I know that I have not been on much but nvm. My sister has recently came home from Spain and due to that I feel a lack of privacy. It is weird as I am happy for this to be on the Internet as I know no one will really see it and if they do the chances they know me or even care is like a million to one. However when someone that I know can see I just get really private and don't want them to see. I have gone for the big statements and got myself heard, I have however still had so many thoughts keeps churning in my mind and that is one of the reason I think I wrote this to start with. I think about Faye and Bobby. I wonder if that is what Shawn is thinking, if he only wants to go out with me as some cruel joke like the others. I know that Bobby truly broke Faye's heart as even now she has not got over it, she is far to paranoid I think to let it go, to believe he was a jerk and that he could never get anyone as good as Faye to say "I love you". Bobby dumped Faye within a few days saying that he could not lie to her any longer. But what is Shawn could just Lie to me, that he did not have a heart that would turn black with every lie he told me. I know I'm sounding so destructive of our relationship, but I don't know any different. Until Shawn I was never loved like I am now, goodbye was always "bye" or "Cya tomorrow" nothing long and dragged out like the ones I have with Shawn. I never had anyone who was sad when I was ill or not online for a while, I did not miss someone when I had not seen them in a while. But I do when i'm with Shawn.

So it is another day, another day that i'm falling for more in love. I have never been so happy, so lovesick that I am freaking others out. Before Shawn I never knew love, some would say that I still wouldn't but I disagree, without the way we met He would never have given me a second chance, I would not be myself, it would be an act that I put on. I don't turn heads as I walk down streets, most ask me out as a joke or to see if when they dumped me to see if they shattered my heart, meaning I never really got attached as I knew in someway that it would only be a few days or weeks before they would dump me, or if I got to the punch first, I would dump them. I guess that is why me and Shawn are so different, because he did not ask me out as some joke to him and his mates, but 'cos he really did like me and perhaps even love me, but never as much as we do now. On the same night I started this blog we stayed up all night talking and it has brought us so close, I know more about him in those 12 hours then I have everyday since I started talking to him. I know that he thinks some of it was destiny, that we were meant to find each other and if we didn't meet when we did we would of met sometime later. I think that some of it might have been destiny but I think we needed to want to be together, we wanted to keep trying, dropping subtle hints that we liked each other.

I know that with every second that goes by I miss him, I want to be with him as the only place that feels safe, like home, is when he is wrapping me up in his words protecting me from the world that breaks so many hearts. I just want to be with him, I want to be there (I realise that sounds kinda stalkerish) But I do, I don't want to miss a moment because if I do I will miss a moment of the most wonderful thing ever, him and the love that we have.

OK so now i'm shattered as I spent all of last night talking to Shawn after Ian left the conversation. My mum asked why my light was on at 4 in the morning and I could only say "I don't know, I must of fallen asleep with it on" Even she knows I stay up late on the weekends to talk to Shawn. That was the firs time I stayed up all night and chances are it will not be my last, because I loved it; I loved the feeling I got when I was talking to him, I loved the smile that took over as I watched him say "I love you", the way he proposed - hell we were tired, a little crazy and the feeling of love seemed so overwhelming. I am still talking to him now as I write this and every time I see his name I smile, every time I see a joke or the start of the ... game I know that I love him more then before.I'm not usually like this by the way, normally I am not this love sick and crazy about Shawn, but more then 24 hours of being told the person who you love loved you back is an amazing thing.

I Know I have chosen the right person, I love Shawn I really do. As even now I am falling for him again. It seems like every time I talk to him I fall more in love up to the point I think I can't no more and then I realise I just have. I am totally love sick right now so you know, But every time he says "I love you" I know he means it more then the last time. Every time he says "I never want this to end" I know how he feels cos I feel the same.

The thing that I love about what me and Shawn have is that, I am the kind of girl that you wouldn't look twice at, I don't turn peoples heads as I walk down the street. I know that if it was not for how we met Shawn would have never of looked at me how he does now. I probably would of seen him as someone messing about with friends if he said some of the things he has said to me. But as we met through words, what we say and when we say it, not how we look at what time of the day. I know that is it was not for the pixels making us words I would not be in love, I would not feel the way I do and I would still only see love as a bitter lie told by to people to increase the amount they annoy you, as now not only have they got their life to talk about but they now have everyone Else's. I never want this moment to end as I fear the period of time that we can only be friends and not boyfriend and girlfriend that I have come to know and love, only really feeling safe when I am talking to him, letting his soft words cradle me.

Today was weird, I met Shawn's mate and he creeped me out a Little. It was weird cos he was so much like Shawn, but he was ruder and his jokes more Vulgar. But still they were kind of a like. I don't know why but ever joke that Shawn told made me fall more in love but Every joke Ian told made me think he was more of a prick. I don't know why but Even though the jokes were as bad as each other's but for some reason Shawn's were funny and charming. I actually felt like the miles between us didn't matter. But then even the first line to the convo was "Shawn likes you" and I know that he did not know me and Shawn were going out and at that point I think my heart shattered into tiny pieces. I know that he loves me I really do but it is annoying when he won't tell anyone. Like when his computer got moved to the lounge and he could not say the cute things like "I love you" or "I miss you" and things like that. But I was shouting it from the rooftops when he said I love you for the first time.

I know that him and Hannah are over but I wonder if he does have A girlfriend back where he lives, not miles away. I Just want to let everyone know we are in love, then deal with the heart break when or if that comes. Like I want the guild to know, even though I am sure a few people have figured it out. I want him to tell his friends just like I have told mine. Maybe I am asking to much but when he said I love you after the whole thing with Hannah he said that the reason he was so distant was he thought it was weird, but he noticed that he could not love Hannah when he still loved me. He said the only reason he did it was because he thought it was weird the way we met. But Not telling his parents, or his mates makes me wonder if he has got over that, or if in fact he still thinks it is weird

Hi

Just started my account or Blog really excited bout it but a little confused :D