I was on MSN and Luke asked me a question to ask Shawn and I left him a message, Knowing Shawn I knew that it might take a while to reply so I changed windows to joke to Luke. That was when I heard it, the sound that I dreaded yet needed. His MSN sound tacky kisses, it was stupid to change it and I realise now, it seemed like a cute thing to do, now my stupidity is only matched by utter sadness. When I heard it I actually felt like crying. I knew I would never have that sound again and that I had missed my chance completely. Then there is the other side to my dilemma Luke. I like him, I guess he likes me, after me and Shawn went on hold and will probably never recover we have been talking, joking, even flirting. It is wrong because I love Shawn and if I could do anything that would let him accept me back into his heart I would do it in a heartbeat. I...I can see what happened to me and Shawn happening with me and Luke and I don't think it is an awful thing but I can't see it doing it to much good for my and Shawn if we ever could make it work out. I don't want to be the slut that can't get it to work out with her boyfriend so moves on to his best friend because that is not me. I think about Luke and I think about Shawn and wonder if me and Luke did work then would they be the same and me and Shawn? Would it be all I love you's and flirting until Luke realises it is to weird or we have hit a slight problem. I know him and Shawn are different but I don't even know if he likes me and I am to scared to ask, that has always been my problem, I get scared about the little things. I don't wanna loose a best friend and the only chance I have with Shawn, however I don't want to miss the opportunity to loose Luke as I thought me and Shawn could work it out, I don't want to wait forever for Shawn but I don't want to loose Luke, that is if I have him to call my own.

It's been two days since he suggested to be "on a break" or put "Our relationship on hold" I don't know what happened, we were fine. or at least I thought we were. Was it my fault? Was my actions that were responsible? I thought back to my last day of term and the bitches on my bus who told me that what we had was not love, I cried all the way home and two hours later refusing to tell anyone what had happened, even Shawn. I knew he was the only one who could make me smile, reassure me that what we were doing wasn't some crazy thing, if only I knew what I know now. So many times it ran through my head to ask him to reassure me, to ask "Is what were doing really sensible?" but now I am glad I did not ask as I fear the answer he would have given. I think about how close we were after that night when I first started writing this and I know that the way I felt was so close it was like a thread that pulled us tighter, together, like it was making the distance unimportant. Now I regret everything, I regret all my actions even if they were good. I don't know what to do, what to say, I am trying to tread carefully as I don't wanna do anything that might make the out-come of our relationship be that it will not work. I don't want it to go back to how it was, me just sitting, waiting for him to decide that actually it may work. I can not keep drifting back to these awful thoughts every few days untill we may be reunited.

I don't know what to write...I guess I could go on about random things in the world that I don't agree with or that I feel I need to voice my opinion on, but can't, that and don't want to. I have decided that instead i'm going to explain...

We met on World of Warcraft, an online role playing game. I was a dwarf priest and he was a hunter, that sounds like some enchanted fairy tale but when you hear about the twats in Stormwind city u soon learn it isn't. We were in the same guild and he had his best mate, nellas. A 16 year old girl. I then had to go away for a weekend and the guild fell apart and I stupidly blamed him. There was a big fight and that was over. I don't really remember what happened after that. I can remember when he said "i love you", I was questing in Netherstorm and he whispered me says "lyl" I don't do much msn talk so I just put back a few question marks and he would not tell me. I later found out what it was and me being me asked if he truly meant it, he said he would tell me when I had to go. He never did tell me, "If it is true I love you forever and if not your playing cruel games with my breaking heart" and signed off. We left it at that really, the next time we talked was the same as the others, Shawn seemed to get distant, he did not joke like he used to. I knew that he and his family were going through some problems so I just guessed it was that but when they got over it he still remained the same. I was on MSN with him and he told me what had happened. About how he loved Hannah and how he wanted her, almost forgeting about me. I wanted to ask if he still cared for me but I knew he was happy with Hannah and I was sort of happy for him. I mean I would of done anything to make him happy even if it meant I was not with him I would have done it.

Then we were talking late one night and he was crying, no matter what I said or did he still cried. I was so worried. He signed off without another word and I knew that he didn't want to talk about it, not right now. So I left it, melting my brain, eating away at me. When he signed in the next day I didn't know what to say. He later told me that Hannah and himself had broken up. I was sad for him and Hannah but I knew what he would do next, talk to me about "us". I wanted so badly to just admit everything, about how I loved him, how I was so hurt that he didn't think about me when he was going out with Hannah. I spoke carefully, not wanting to allow my heart to break again. He then asked me out and I agreed. That is where my story ends, well that chapter at least.

And now he signs off and I feel this emptiness overcome me. I don't know what else to say. My other contacts all seem boring compared to him. I don't want to talk 2 them, only Shawn. I know that I need to go soon but still I don't want to as I fear that if I o he will com back online hoping to talk to me and I will miss the chance to talk to him again :(

So here is my thingy 4 my birth sign

PISCES (The Partner for Life) Caring and kind. Smart. Centre of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but In a good way. Good Sense of Humour!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.
Everyone agrees with it :D all but me
(I have highlighted the ones that everyone says are true)
I am not popular and I would hate to be popular, I would rather burn my eyebrows

I am sooo confused, like so confused beyond my mind and I don't know what to do! I was looking through my leaving cards and I saw a note from a really good friend of mine, it said..."Don't go I love you with all my heart xxxxx (ect)" Then from one from his mates on another card I got "It is a shame your going cos he has finally realised he loves you". I don't know what to do. I mean there is no one I can talk to as My new mates won't understand and I can not talk to them about this, My old mates will talk to him and if he did not really mean it he will get freaked out and the only other person other then that is Shawn and "Hey babe, umm can you help me talk about this guy who says he loves me but i'm confused" won't go down all that well, even though I know Shawn is amazing and probably would I still don't want to but that in our relationship. Plus my mate knew I was going out with Shawn! I am still in contact with this friend and I don't know if I should talk to him about it as I don't really do the whole "I love you" speech well, after doing that nonsense twice with Shawn I really don't want to have to do it again. I think that tradition is important, I think that a male should ask the female out and if or when it comes to marriage the male again should ask the female. Even though Laz thinks that tradition is a load of bull, to me tradition keeps my heart hoping and my dreams not to wild.

I know that I have not been on much but nvm. My sister has recently came home from Spain and due to that I feel a lack of privacy. It is weird as I am happy for this to be on the Internet as I know no one will really see it and if they do the chances they know me or even care is like a million to one. However when someone that I know can see I just get really private and don't want them to see. I have gone for the big statements and got myself heard, I have however still had so many thoughts keeps churning in my mind and that is one of the reason I think I wrote this to start with. I think about Faye and Bobby. I wonder if that is what Shawn is thinking, if he only wants to go out with me as some cruel joke like the others. I know that Bobby truly broke Faye's heart as even now she has not got over it, she is far to paranoid I think to let it go, to believe he was a jerk and that he could never get anyone as good as Faye to say "I love you". Bobby dumped Faye within a few days saying that he could not lie to her any longer. But what is Shawn could just Lie to me, that he did not have a heart that would turn black with every lie he told me. I know I'm sounding so destructive of our relationship, but I don't know any different. Until Shawn I was never loved like I am now, goodbye was always "bye" or "Cya tomorrow" nothing long and dragged out like the ones I have with Shawn. I never had anyone who was sad when I was ill or not online for a while, I did not miss someone when I had not seen them in a while. But I do when i'm with Shawn.